Do I Know You?

Isolation does not heal it seems. Am I missing the invisible? How many times must I tell myself it's really really over. This is so overwhelming but I just have to keep it to myself.

How can one man be so cruel? But maybe it's not you who are cruel, it's just me who is just that stubborn.

I'm trying to change myself now. Change everything. My name, my looks, my future by constantly trying to erase every trace that's here.

Do I know you?

Read More...

Cheater.

With you in life, I'm a messed-up lady. So, I prefer to stay away from you.

Blocking you away from my life - both reality and cyber... but still keeping you in my fantasy, sigh.

They say, "Good ladies will find their good gentlemen."

I say, "They are wrong!"

Hodey, your wife is a good one.

But too bad, life's unfair.

Too bad, too bad, ohhh too bad.

She's living in denial. You're cheating behind her back.

I know it better. How long will you pretend?

Read More...

Old Men, I Hate, Dirty Old Men!

I have made up my mind. Sacrificial love is not worth it when it comes to Hodey.

He thinks of himself first and myself second, worse, last.

My heart tells me to be softer: What would happen if he died today? Would I regret for telling him "I hate you"... or not saying enough "I love you"?

But my mind insists me to move on - he's just a player. He has a wife. She should be more than enough to satisfy him.

As I look back, I realize I have given the wrong person an undivided heart and this is actually not love but pure lust from just an old man.

Hodey, back then you were the one man that made me love all the old men. Never knew that now you'll also be the one that leads me to hating all old men.

Dirty old man, that's you too.

Read More...

No More Kimberly, No More Hodey.

This blog has been abandoned for awhile because the writer has realized that Kimberly and Hodey are not meant to be together, forever.

Read More...

Thanks For The Memories...

I still have thoughts of you.

Your favourite songs linger on my mind when I'm on my little bed.

I know you wont forgive me. Even if you would, we won't be together anymore.

Funny how a simple misunderstanding can draw us apart.

It's not as what you thought.

But I know begging people for mercy, begging you not to leave, is an unnice thing.

The silent treatment you gave made me realize how irritating and insane I was.

Thank you Baby and goodbye.

Read More...

The Other Girl.

"Hodey I'm so happy for you!" I practised that in front of the bathroom mirror. It didn't really work out. Because as I said that, I cried. Look at my teary envious eyes and you'll know it's really not true.

How can I be happy? It's totally different if you're just another ordinary human being in this world. But you're already apart of me.

Sometimes I do feel like stepping out. Indeed I have stepped out or maybe I just pretended to have stepped out.

She was right when she told me I have always like to learn it the hard way. So serve me right, man, and Padan muka!

As I face myself in front of the mirror, I hate myself the more. Because all I see is a face with a bitter heart.

Read More...

Your Teenage Companion.

He no longer pampers me like before. I miss all that. He can even observe it by my body language. As always, busy schedule is the excuse.

He reminded me I'm not a little girl anymore.

I argued and told him I'm still a teenager.

He looked at me and gave me a sweet something. He hit the right buttons.

Life's a fairytale at that moment.

Read More...

That Ring On His Finger.

A funny thing happened. I was that clumsy till I accidently sprayed something on a particular guest's face. I thought he was gonna be very angry and made a complaint but I found out that he was friendlier than what I thought.

From strangers, I thought we're gonna be enemies but because he was friendly, we ended up as friends.

No grudges held. He was good and easy to be close with. And I actually enjoyed talking to him.

But being visual... I did notice a ring on his fourth finger. As soon as I knew it, I turned away and sigh secretly. Oh dear... everytime I look at him, I'll have to try as much to avoid staring much longer.

Reason is, I hate it when chemistry starts to happen on two wrong people who are just not meant to be.

I wont be that happy even after I succeeded in removing the ring out of his fourth finger, right?

Read More...

A Moment With You

The man has brought her to the fine dining restaurant. And as soon as he sat on the seat, he turned on the laptop and started surfing.

It was supposed to be a time for bonding, heart to heart talk, but the wife only sensed ignorance as she slowly ate the food served.

The man was all time busy, never has the time to even look at the eyes of his other half. One can easily assume that those images on the screen has a higher appeal - more fun, entertaining, interesting that the wrinkled face of his wife.

To hide her sadness, she later grabbed a magazine, flipping to it to kill the boredom of this stupid dull marriage.

Poor wife is no longer receiving any affection from him. Perhaps he doesn't know her needs. But again, it maybe a little of her fault, she's just too shy to voice out. Too afraid to say anything for fear of the husband will be laughing at her.

Read More...

Somebody Not Busybody.

You and I hate it when people complain about our lives when their lives are not perfect either.

Can't they just live their own lives?

Why bother putting someone down?

It's already so pathetic hoping and wishing upon the star, knowing that it fails over and over.

Ohh, bring me to a place where it is all smiles.

A celebration between you and me.

Both of enjoying the presence of each other.

Take me away.

Somebody.

Read More...

Invisible.

Imagine you being in the same room with your very loved one. You watch him with his loved one but it happens that his very loved one is just not you. That’s what I’m feeling every night.

They asked me to grow up.

I will listen to them.

All these are like chasing after wind.

What good is love if it keeps on hurting you?

Today, I tell my heart: He is not your lover.

Feelings fade. One day it will.

Read More...

Why Is It Made Private?

"It's private between you and I. It's special."

But I want to show it. I want to tell them. There's a desire in me to tell them I'm a happy woman too.

"I have to go now."

I realized again that I'm only his true convenience.

I'm taking you that so seriously.

Years of learning has never made me really learn.

Because I'm taking each and every man that differently while they are taking me lightly and think of me as the same.

Dumb, dumb.

Read More...

Saving All My Love.

I never expected my girlfriend to still remember what I told her in the past, the fact that I have always wanted older guys. Okay, that was the past anyway - Remember, I've moved on. But still, she remembered.

She briefed to me - he's married. His wife and kids are currently living overseas.

I haven't met him yet. I'm still unsure whether that fella is an expatriate or local.

The salary is minimum RM5000 per month. The job is appealing. .! Wow...!

I told her. - I don't mind accompanying him. Maybe treat him just like any other blind dates.

But the prob here is, he expects morrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeee.

More than a company, more than a friend.

He's looking for a silent partner for bed time as well.

I can't sleep with him and I don't want to..!

Shit, I know now I have to say "NO" to this kind of opportunities.

I'm saving all my love for another man.

Read More...

I Don't Want You Anymore, Sugar Daddy.

I hate working in that smokey area! Arghhhh...!

It's been two months here and most of the guests who come and go thought I'm from China. Maybe it's because of my small eyes.

I don't know how to be too friendly yet. My public relations suck. Last night, few of the guys asked why I'm being nervous, afraid and reserved. But I chose to ignore since they were half-drunk.

Positively speaking, the good thing about working here is I get to open my eyes wider. I have chances to see many, many, many Sugar Daddies but one and only Sugar Mummy. However, Sugar Daddies here are different from what I have once expected.
I'm starting to lose interest on men of that kind now. Yup, surely for some reasons.

Read More...

All I Ever Wanted Was Only A Sugar Daddy.

I saw pretty ladies working there as I stepped out of the night club. I told few of them who were with me that I have a desire to join "the club".

"You're nuts, for having that intention." One replied.
"Materialistic and cheap". Another added.

It has been hard since young for me. Financial crisis comes over and over. I just wanna taste that luxurious life. Safe and secure.

"Oh financially satisfying, huh?" That man gave me a wondering disgusted look.

I said: SugarDaddy suits me quite well.

He just wants my friendship. I can offer that. In fact, I know he's already sexually inactive at this age. All he needs is actually merely a little love and caring - a touch, a hug, a little cuddling. That's still okay with me, as long as I dont lose the Big V to him.

Plus he is old, he will look good beside me. And I, I would be happy to be his young woman. Also, I know that he has gone through many thicks and thins. So he's better in handling me, emotionally at least.

"Hmmm...sigh... you are that type." That individual interrupted and concluded wrongly.

Look beyond that, can you?

I'll be careful in whatsoever I say next time, some thoughts are just not meant to be shared - writing them down is way better than saying them out loud.

Read More...

Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?

I saw him. Oh, he's my type. I love him. To love me too.

From my silent observation, he's one experienced guy that knows how to turn a woman on. That lady with him is so lucky.

Now I doubt Asian men. Can I still rely on that 40 year old chap to be like him? Far from it.

The guy that I'm with now is getting boring and dull. Same old things daily. I want creativity. Don't be so blur, puh-lease. I hope I don't have to tell you exactly what I want, everytime.

I'm tired of being the Romeo over and over again. Give me one day at least to be Juliet. Wake up, wake up..! Do you need me to take up your roles? I'd be a better man.



So tell me, have you ever really loved a woman? Still, you can't answer me.

Read More...

Being The 3rd Party.

Most of the times it's unpleasant.

Little do I know why I still stick with them who already belong to someone else. Should I blame the love spell that seem so strong?

I shall use logic instead.

To a certain extent, I think I know why.

Comparing them to singles:
Attached men are older. (Yes, I favor older men.).
Attached men are more experienced.
Attached men are better in handling me.

Proven many times, at least in my case.

But I know I gotta STOP it one day. What will later follow me are consequences which I cannot run from. Of that I'm mindful.


Whatsoever it is, I hope it will still be a great experience and I won't regret doing it. At the end of the day, I'll just look at all the scars, smile, and say "Oh dear, you've been there, well done!"

Read More...

Love Game: Are You Game Enough?

With the slam of the door, I told myself, "I'm gonna leave you. For real, no more turning back. I gotta be strong, I gotta be cool to be kind."

It turned out I gave up in myself as well when I gave you up. You were so so apart of me. I'll remember the three hours I spent locked in the bathroom, crying in front of the mirror shamelessly after saying goodbye to you. Hoping that by washing up myself will clean the memories between us too.

A new man came in and I felt like letting him have all of me not knowing where else to fall.


I think I sold myself short. Immaturely, I was trying to make you feel mad. Or maybe trying to get your attention. I had the needs to arouse your jealousy. I wanted to prove to you that I too have moved on - just like you.

My mission was to see you, dragging me, warning me not to do it. I desired it badly to see that you still care at least. But mission failed - I did it all secretly, without you even knowing it.

He and I, we made a promise to just have a love game. A fling. Without commitment.

Purely for pleasure. Finding it fun, fine.

But I sensed an attachment. Asked for a quit quickly. Afraid that I'll lose at the end of this love game. Guess I'm not a good player afterall, although I know I was the one to suggest it at the first place.

Oh, young heart, why are you so easily attached even when love is not real? Tell me are you really game for love?

Read More...

Another Attached Man

I miss him.
A new one, not the old one.

A slightly mature guy.
Not too old nor too young.
Just 10 years ahead of me.

Patient and understanding.
Plus, he's got the tricks to turn me on.


But too bad, he's another attached man,
I can't seem to have.

He said "Baby, you can have me"
Promised to be my emotional pillar.
Nevertheless, I choose not to fall for him.

Tasted once.

Knows that it will lead to the same old misery.

That haunts me every night.

Wanting you tonight.
However, I only have you at a distance.

Read More...

Unprotected

It's 6.30 a.m now and I'm still not sleeping. I guess I think about you too much. Not a single line from you, and I feel so uncared. I hope I still matter to you.

Few hours ago, I received a bad remark from a guy and it caused me to be so emotionally unstable. I wish you were there for me. But you are a busy man, occupied most of the time with work and your own family. I wish I were a man, so that I can be emotionally stable like you and continue living life with a smile as though everything's alright.

Feeling so alone and unprotected. Helplessly, I scream from the bottom of my insecure heart "Help me, rescue me, save me, I'm in danger!" At the same time, bearing in mind that I have to expect and accept no responses, just deal with the fact that you're so far away, so you can't hear me.

Keeping in touch has become lesser and almost turns zero - I don't see you in person and not even virtually too. Text messages are cut down to avoid further misunderstandings. How I wish you would understand how much I need you. I want you to be here, so badly.

Read More...